joys.

what happens when someone you absolutely adore disappoints you?

it's really a small thing. her forgetting banking administrations. but it starts you analysing. then you realise that time does changes things. she's been in aus for the last 2-3 years and you have forgotten the last remnants of how she sounds like. she's never coming back, is she? sure, you've stopped being in love with her for years now, but you never did stop caring, or so you thought, but the truth is, even that has dwindled to almost a pinch a couple of months back. all that remains is your word and what you promised. her. joy. i once told her that i would do anything to keep her happy. i was wrong.

i feel terrible that i think this way. i think it's called guilt.

i wrote this for her while she was studying in aus:

***

Thinking of You.

On impossibly blue days, with barely enough breeze
to keep this heat just right,
just enough to stay beneath
comforting.
On rainy ones, embracing coffee and cigarettes,
with all your favourite colours in pills strewn before me.
In the living room, devoid of everything that matters.
In the company of friends,
within that hollow space we keep spare,
right inside our laughter.
At sunset.
Until sunrise.
Between crowds, keeping up with names
while yours keeps barging its way through.
Between rides, entertaining myself
with slides of you, you, you.
I am scribing your name into the seats,
hoping you'll read them.
After work, in a back alley on the way
back to the usual.
After breakfast, etched on the faces
of every common girl I meet on the way to work.
All of today.
All of yesterday, the day before, tomorrow
and let's just bulk book the days after that.
Before turning off the lights
one by one.
Before kissing somebody else.

Please.
Come back. I missed you.


***

listeningto: david gray - this year's love. so i could set the mood and be all moody and grim with this gloomy song.
reading: her banking administrations

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