this year christmas is the most secular, hedonistic, (not really la) un-unchristmasy christmas i ever had.
boy was it fun. :)
eve: alcohol filled party at cysheo's new place, i didnt drink but tired out from work so i overslept at cyril and sheo's new place at novena, woke up very confused at 7am on xmas day and remembered asking myself why my wall has turned maroon.
xmas day: lunch/tea-ish at dam's, mass with chris (was supposed to be sentosa, but rain, so no go = no bikini :( was then supposed to "nua" at her place, but i had better plans), brought her (since she was feeling down) to meet the gay ensemble after, whole gin gang ended up at double o, where she received the full entertainment package from richard, somewhere within the night, she ended up planing to go with me to see cyril sing in hongkong. best thing is, her sis stays in hk, so free lodging! yeah! to free lodging.
boxing day: work in wee early morning (boo) "delegated" the boys to finish the narnia setup (crap show) then home for late breakfast/lunch, returned my much overdued dvds, then off to cysheo's housewarming thingy. no chickadees, (though i did think that cy's friend in the mary-poppins getup and the black teacher glasses who surprised me by whipping out a ciggie and who drinks beer is "intriguing". btw, as an aside to those people whose eyebrows are being raised by this "intriguing" comment, "intriguing" does not equate into interest) but loads of good indian food.
today: unfortunately, something within all this feasting is killing my stomach. princess was
laughing at me through sms, so i called her an evil witch and refused to give her her xmas present until she learns the meaning of guilt or sympathy.
she's really the queen of sms tantrums.
somewhere within, the merged lunches, breakfasts and dinners, i sort-of remembered being really blue this time last year (this time as in christmas day itself) but couldnt remember why.
it took christmas lunch/tea/overeating at dam's before i remembered why. christmas day last year at dam's was that unfortunate day when i learnt that b got a new guy in her life.
am still musing over it. but surprisingly, heart feeling ok, save for the heartburn from the food. so maybe i am healing. oh well, we'll see.
all in all, oddest fun christmas i've had in quite a while.
***
listening to: complaints from my guys that i'm overworking them. true, but at least i feel guilty about it.
reading: emails from india and vietnam. all participants require repeated information repeated repeatedly before brain registers information.
e.g. (1) - me:"that model name, XYZ is not available here. ABC is the same name model, with the same specs as XYZ. i can supply ABC to you, but not XYZ."
- him: "so XYZ is called ABC in singapore?"
- me: "that is correct."
- him: " so you can only supply me ABC?"
- me: "Yes."
- him: "so can you supply me ABC and change the box and the stickers to XYZ?"
- me: "uh... then, it would be XYZ won't it? ingenious, i can't."
- him: "ok then supply me XYZ instead."
- me: "uh...no i can't, i already told you that."
- him: "why not?"
repeat line (1) again through to above sentences, four times.
___
Monday, December 26, 2005
Friday, December 23, 2005
entombing adel.
wrote a little something to remember a friend by. it took a long while (with, oddly enough, a little help from an arundel tomb by larkin) before i got this out, i guess i'll never be satisfied with watever i churn out to remember adel by. oh well.
so friend, if u can read this, i hope u like it.
***
(revised 26/12/05, made it tighter)
(revised 27/12/05, becoz i am anal about these things)
Entombing Adel
Passing
wall after wall, trying to remember which
held you.
Whether your photograph was lodged
in black and white
or was it Fuji-coloured
to have you stand out
from these other common deaths, and
if, in all absurdity, did they
have you smiling?
I imagined someone who loved you
working out the details,
choosing walls from a catalogue,
considering which amongst the dead
would make the best neighbours.
Then, reaching into his pocket,
taking out his wallet,
trying to keep from crying while
the priest counts the money.
In such matters, nobody bargains.
Your concretised niche,
marble surface-work and trimmings
carried a tiny porcelain vase
super-glued to stone,
and just enough to hold
one miniature bouquet at a time.
Today, I counted two plastic flowers,
edged with paper petals,
cob-webbed.
There is a couple here,
holding each other as they whispered
today’s news for their own dead.
Could they hear at all
within the silence of all this white?
Do they even want to.
An old man sits, facing another wall,
trying to imagine how his picture would look
next to hers.
We both sensed her approval within that smile.
Outside, a fierce sun.
The sound of children disrupting everything.
At the lobby where you used to wait
for Mass to begin,
two women were waiting for the priest
to come, bless their babbles and
tell them about God.
A car left in the direction I was headed to next;
I followed without turning back.
***
listening to: godspeed (sweet dreams) - dixie chicks
reading: yesterday's papers and the nkf debacle.
__
so friend, if u can read this, i hope u like it.
***
(revised 26/12/05, made it tighter)
(revised 27/12/05, becoz i am anal about these things)
Entombing Adel
Passing
wall after wall, trying to remember which
held you.
Whether your photograph was lodged
in black and white
or was it Fuji-coloured
to have you stand out
from these other common deaths, and
if, in all absurdity, did they
have you smiling?
I imagined someone who loved you
working out the details,
choosing walls from a catalogue,
considering which amongst the dead
would make the best neighbours.
Then, reaching into his pocket,
taking out his wallet,
trying to keep from crying while
the priest counts the money.
In such matters, nobody bargains.
Your concretised niche,
marble surface-work and trimmings
carried a tiny porcelain vase
super-glued to stone,
and just enough to hold
one miniature bouquet at a time.
Today, I counted two plastic flowers,
edged with paper petals,
cob-webbed.
There is a couple here,
holding each other as they whispered
today’s news for their own dead.
Could they hear at all
within the silence of all this white?
Do they even want to.
An old man sits, facing another wall,
trying to imagine how his picture would look
next to hers.
We both sensed her approval within that smile.
Outside, a fierce sun.
The sound of children disrupting everything.
At the lobby where you used to wait
for Mass to begin,
two women were waiting for the priest
to come, bless their babbles and
tell them about God.
A car left in the direction I was headed to next;
I followed without turning back.
***
listening to: godspeed (sweet dreams) - dixie chicks
reading: yesterday's papers and the nkf debacle.
__
Sunday, December 18, 2005
beatus.happy.
bah. i stand guilty of writing depressing shit these past few posts. so for a change, me talk happy. yoyoyo happy! u know what mean, happy?
...
...
...
all the things i am thankful for on saturday:
- i finished work at 5.28pm! yippee!
- i set up a polycom viewstation perfect in one attempt without forgetting all the right settings and the isdn linked perfect! (i never got perfect link on the first try!)
- i got free pizza!
- i figured out (in a f-ing jiffy) how to crawl into a ceiling without breaking the boards, falling down, and being impaled, and dying terribly!
- i have to work today!
:)
- it could have been worse.
***
listening to: suffering by satchel
reading: a time to keep - george mackay brown
__
...
...
...
all the things i am thankful for on saturday:
- i finished work at 5.28pm! yippee!
- i set up a polycom viewstation perfect in one attempt without forgetting all the right settings and the isdn linked perfect! (i never got perfect link on the first try!)
- i got free pizza!
- i figured out (in a f-ing jiffy) how to crawl into a ceiling without breaking the boards, falling down, and being impaled, and dying terribly!
- i have to work today!
:)
- it could have been worse.
***
listening to: suffering by satchel
reading: a time to keep - george mackay brown
__
Thursday, December 15, 2005
the ban and the mention of death.
been extremely busy these days.
oddly enough, still managed to worm some time out to take a much needed break from work last fri till mon. oh, and the sat before that (which i spent blissfully wasting water in meritus mandarin).
mandarin was fun. am big fan of bubble-bathing. :)
by my colleagues’ measurement, i should be fresh and eager to approach work after such a long (in the co. anything beyond a day is long.) break. but i am not.
well, ok, i am not so weary anymore, and my infamous quick temper has cooled a wee bit, yelled only at one poor guy this week. but other than that, no change in what i feel about work and life in general. in fact, i have more questions.
funny time to do: ask your closest colleague the following question: “what is the point of being alive?” and suddenly see him/her become concerned that you are turning suicidal.
disclaimer: i am not suicidal.
other irrelevant news:
* one of the blogs that i regularly tune in to has a sparse but awful poem posted up. considering she is one of the saving grace of the “but” anthology, this is a bad showing of her talent. but off-days are to be expected of everyone. no?
* the terminator has terminated williams.
* my description of this year’s tacky xmas lightup has intrigued oxfordian girl, (an old friend of mine) so have kindly acceded to snapping pics of fugly orchard road to send to her, for the primary purpose of ruining her taste. so any of u who has any pics of this year xmas lights could u send them to my email? i want the one-wing birds and the drummer ones.
* robert lowell’s imitations not my thing.
* went zoukout! solo! free! (perks of being a pioneer electronics partner) met assorted friends by accident despite 18,000 strong crowd! got commented as stuck-up by random bikini-clad chick while queuing so folks, being shy is so not a good quality. :( . tried to stay till the end, but the rain spoiled my mood, am not a fan of wet sand. so according to gaston, i was one of those pose-ers who got found out by the rain. (of course i am pose-er! it was already 5ish in the morning, i am 28 and very bad at dancing) got home by 6.18am, end result? comatose next day.
* electrico has 2 good songs. yes, 2.
so that’s that.
***
met a troubled friend for tea, where she asked me whether “the ban” imposed onto moi by b was effective. for her benefit and reading pleasure, and of course, because i am such a masochist and dweller of things that are bad for my health, i shall examine le ban below:
how to: persons involved are to have no physical, electronic, postal, etc etc, whatsoever contact for a period of forever. as in a “very very very x 10000 long time (counted in terms of years)” forever.
pro. no. 1: time does numb everything.
con no. 1: numb does not equal zero pain.
pro. no.2: you can get used to the numbed pain.
con no.2: you can get addicted to this numbed pain.
effectiveness: make the best out of a bad thing, and try to move on (give or take a couple yrs eh.)
notes:
1. do not, i repeat, do not listen to don mclean after being “banned”. d.m. should carry a “warning: suicide-worthy songs within” sign on each cd.
2. you will find yourself treasuring every little thing the other party has given you. i am still carrying the wallet b gave me, despite it being held up by staples in several parts.
3. alone time suddenly become very attractive periods of time.
4. obsession inevitably sets in for one or both parties.
happy banning.
ok, that’s that.
***
went to my primary school classmate, ashley’s wedding yesterday, first kena summon-ed by the dinner, then kena summon-ed by becky for the gift. feeling broke. :(
it got weird-surreal when the guys at the table, along with a talkative mr. koh (our fav pri. school teacher, yes, he's an old but hardy fellow) started discussing a friend of mine’s death by suicide. singapore is such a small rock that everyone is linked to each other in some odd way. in this case, they know adel’s dad.
i wanted to make some excuse and head to the toilet while they discussed the reasons for her death, but being butt-heavy, i just sat there feeling uncomfortable, acting nonchalant. i think any discussion of her reasons for jumping is so unnecessary. the girl is long dead. why discuss this at a wedding?
haven’t popped by to visit her niche for some time. think i shall pay her a little visit this weekend. which = church going.. hmmm...
***
finally,
reminder to all friends, i don’t have that much time for visiting, so do me a big favour and stay alive.
***
listening to: jealous guy – john lennon.
reading: simic’s wedding in hell
__
oddly enough, still managed to worm some time out to take a much needed break from work last fri till mon. oh, and the sat before that (which i spent blissfully wasting water in meritus mandarin).
mandarin was fun. am big fan of bubble-bathing. :)
by my colleagues’ measurement, i should be fresh and eager to approach work after such a long (in the co. anything beyond a day is long.) break. but i am not.
well, ok, i am not so weary anymore, and my infamous quick temper has cooled a wee bit, yelled only at one poor guy this week. but other than that, no change in what i feel about work and life in general. in fact, i have more questions.
funny time to do: ask your closest colleague the following question: “what is the point of being alive?” and suddenly see him/her become concerned that you are turning suicidal.
disclaimer: i am not suicidal.
other irrelevant news:
* one of the blogs that i regularly tune in to has a sparse but awful poem posted up. considering she is one of the saving grace of the “but” anthology, this is a bad showing of her talent. but off-days are to be expected of everyone. no?
* the terminator has terminated williams.
* my description of this year’s tacky xmas lightup has intrigued oxfordian girl, (an old friend of mine) so have kindly acceded to snapping pics of fugly orchard road to send to her, for the primary purpose of ruining her taste. so any of u who has any pics of this year xmas lights could u send them to my email? i want the one-wing birds and the drummer ones.
* robert lowell’s imitations not my thing.
* went zoukout! solo! free! (perks of being a pioneer electronics partner) met assorted friends by accident despite 18,000 strong crowd! got commented as stuck-up by random bikini-clad chick while queuing so folks, being shy is so not a good quality. :( . tried to stay till the end, but the rain spoiled my mood, am not a fan of wet sand. so according to gaston, i was one of those pose-ers who got found out by the rain. (of course i am pose-er! it was already 5ish in the morning, i am 28 and very bad at dancing) got home by 6.18am, end result? comatose next day.
* electrico has 2 good songs. yes, 2.
so that’s that.
***
met a troubled friend for tea, where she asked me whether “the ban” imposed onto moi by b was effective. for her benefit and reading pleasure, and of course, because i am such a masochist and dweller of things that are bad for my health, i shall examine le ban below:
how to: persons involved are to have no physical, electronic, postal, etc etc, whatsoever contact for a period of forever. as in a “very very very x 10000 long time (counted in terms of years)” forever.
pro. no. 1: time does numb everything.
con no. 1: numb does not equal zero pain.
pro. no.2: you can get used to the numbed pain.
con no.2: you can get addicted to this numbed pain.
effectiveness: make the best out of a bad thing, and try to move on (give or take a couple yrs eh.)
notes:
1. do not, i repeat, do not listen to don mclean after being “banned”. d.m. should carry a “warning: suicide-worthy songs within” sign on each cd.
2. you will find yourself treasuring every little thing the other party has given you. i am still carrying the wallet b gave me, despite it being held up by staples in several parts.
3. alone time suddenly become very attractive periods of time.
4. obsession inevitably sets in for one or both parties.
happy banning.
ok, that’s that.
***
went to my primary school classmate, ashley’s wedding yesterday, first kena summon-ed by the dinner, then kena summon-ed by becky for the gift. feeling broke. :(
it got weird-surreal when the guys at the table, along with a talkative mr. koh (our fav pri. school teacher, yes, he's an old but hardy fellow) started discussing a friend of mine’s death by suicide. singapore is such a small rock that everyone is linked to each other in some odd way. in this case, they know adel’s dad.
i wanted to make some excuse and head to the toilet while they discussed the reasons for her death, but being butt-heavy, i just sat there feeling uncomfortable, acting nonchalant. i think any discussion of her reasons for jumping is so unnecessary. the girl is long dead. why discuss this at a wedding?
haven’t popped by to visit her niche for some time. think i shall pay her a little visit this weekend. which = church going.. hmmm...
***
finally,
reminder to all friends, i don’t have that much time for visiting, so do me a big favour and stay alive.
***
listening to: jealous guy – john lennon.
reading: simic’s wedding in hell
__
Saturday, December 03, 2005
pissy.
work is pissing me off. it's a sat for god's sake, give it a break.
princess is pissing me off too, not because of anything she did, but because i sometimes feel that she takes me for granted. thk whatever she doesnt know the existence of this blog. or i'm so dead. so so dead.
***
A Short One Over SMS
Your abandoned home, the here,
the right-now,
voted me ambassador to you.
I've been sent bearing memories
wrapped in pink,
pre-laced with addictive sugar.
Just for you.
I have had paperwork fabricated by experts
in Calcutta and gotten
all the red tape we could gather to keep you
"otherwise occupied"
here.
Somehow, I doubt your return and
my re-election.
***
cyril will kill me because i havent completed that thing he wanted me to do. death by faggot. should be fun.
the next post will come from a deluxe room somewhere in meritus mandarin. finally! a good thing from a piss-poor week.
listening to: i am manning the office phone today because 1. sandy is on leave, 2. j is sick home with fever after fulfilling his reservist duties, 3. lg's things. sadness.
reading: george mackay brown 's excellent celia (short story) recommended !!
__
princess is pissing me off too, not because of anything she did, but because i sometimes feel that she takes me for granted. thk whatever she doesnt know the existence of this blog. or i'm so dead. so so dead.
***
A Short One Over SMS
Your abandoned home, the here,
the right-now,
voted me ambassador to you.
I've been sent bearing memories
wrapped in pink,
pre-laced with addictive sugar.
Just for you.
I have had paperwork fabricated by experts
in Calcutta and gotten
all the red tape we could gather to keep you
"otherwise occupied"
here.
Somehow, I doubt your return and
my re-election.
***
cyril will kill me because i havent completed that thing he wanted me to do. death by faggot. should be fun.
the next post will come from a deluxe room somewhere in meritus mandarin. finally! a good thing from a piss-poor week.
listening to: i am manning the office phone today because 1. sandy is on leave, 2. j is sick home with fever after fulfilling his reservist duties, 3. lg's things. sadness.
reading: george mackay brown 's excellent celia (short story) recommended !!
__
Thursday, December 01, 2005
annoyance.me.yes.
sometimes i get over-zealous, and come across as annoying. i can't see that till it smacks me in the head. *smack head*. ah... much better.
silver lining: at least i got some material for that essay i was supposed to do. will explain someday wtf am blabbering about. someday.
meanwhile, other irrelevant news:
- more letters (administrative) for joys have arrived in the mail. still no feelings about her coming back on the 23rd. time has truly numbed me.
- hired new guy.
- went home before 8 o'clock 2 days within this week. major big deal.
- am on unofficial leave starting this weekend till early next week. to clients, i am in "hongkong", in actuality - zzzing at marina mandarin with phone switched off.
***
Hands
A pair of hands joins,
becomes inseparable
even against oncoming traffic.
One pulls, the other,
in timid gulps of girly sounds,
follows its tug,
finding itself rescued from collision.
Then laughter.
Till that laughter
causes tears,
and one shakes off
the other’s hold,
I tried looking, couldn’t trace anything,
until much later where
there it was;
at the other’s cheek,
smoothening happy tears,
delicately with a sweep of its thumb
and laughing again.
From there it will return to
her waiting hand,
where they will stay and
wait together.
Possibly.
I smile in spite of myself
and unconsciously,
find my own hand
closing into a grasp
and lasping back into a fist.
***
listeningto: don mclean - empty chairs
reading: levine's the mercy.
__
silver lining: at least i got some material for that essay i was supposed to do. will explain someday wtf am blabbering about. someday.
meanwhile, other irrelevant news:
- more letters (administrative) for joys have arrived in the mail. still no feelings about her coming back on the 23rd. time has truly numbed me.
- hired new guy.
- went home before 8 o'clock 2 days within this week. major big deal.
- am on unofficial leave starting this weekend till early next week. to clients, i am in "hongkong", in actuality - zzzing at marina mandarin with phone switched off.
***
Hands
A pair of hands joins,
becomes inseparable
even against oncoming traffic.
One pulls, the other,
in timid gulps of girly sounds,
follows its tug,
finding itself rescued from collision.
Then laughter.
Till that laughter
causes tears,
and one shakes off
the other’s hold,
I tried looking, couldn’t trace anything,
until much later where
there it was;
at the other’s cheek,
smoothening happy tears,
delicately with a sweep of its thumb
and laughing again.
From there it will return to
her waiting hand,
where they will stay and
wait together.
Possibly.
I smile in spite of myself
and unconsciously,
find my own hand
closing into a grasp
and lasping back into a fist.
***
listeningto: don mclean - empty chairs
reading: levine's the mercy.
__
act.cute.
those kiddo's pics that i've been meaning to put up.
tell me u think she's the sweetest. or else...
kiddo with her security blankie.
closeup kiddo with her doing bad habit of thumb sucking. naughty naughty.
closeup kiddo with her sucking blankie. even worse. sigh.
***
Baby-proofing
Thumbelina. You
are only eighteen months,
Be careful as you fly about this house
pointing out items of bourgeois pink
my father hid for your amusement.
Even here,
sharp corners exist.
My parents have reached the limits
of their baby-proofing efforts;
Entire walls you cursed with your hieroglyphics,
the dining table we never ever used properly,
my room with all its sex cordoned off
by a big black door
that held my parents at bay for years.
Everything is in sponge.
Again, pink for your sake.
If they could,
they would carpet the world in felt,
hang baby photos over every ugly thing,
straighten every frown before it arches,
and baby-proof you permanently
in velveteen cushions.
***
watching be with me. si-peh silent movie man. never had to literally read a movie so much. eh.. am starting to understand why cyril has no patience for it. it is starting to wear on me and the time meter has only just passed 45 min!
ok, it's 55 mins now and it has officially worn me out.
and i rented it. for 5 buckuroos, some more. plus that weird look the video rental uncle gave me when i went to the counter. why? cannot ah? sengkang kampungnites also can watch atas movie what.
:( swell.
ok, it's not a bad movie, i understand what it's getting at. but does he have to really really drive home the point? then try to confirm whether point received or not? I mean does he really think singaporeans are that dense that to state any point, you have to shout it into their ears and put "awas" lights around it? ... eh... on second thought, yeah, he might not be that far off...
but even he must admit focusing the major part of movie on the blind aunt is kind of overtly self-absorbed.
still brownie points for beautifully capturing how son of weird uncle communciates with her. major cool with the hands thing, then to contrast it with shots of weird uncle chopping/stirring food.
and for cute shots of samantha tan... :) btw, kissing scene, very tame.
oh,
somewhere in the midst of watching/reading this movie, i keep thinking the perfect complement/after-mint to this movie is... "sesame street: big bird in china"!
but for politically correct purpose, i cannot say why. sigh.
my recommendation? - it'll have to be big bird in china. ultra retro. i have the vcr somewhere...
_____
listeningto: the silent movie that is "be with me"
Reading: samantha tan.... :) damnn, she's cute.
__
tell me u think she's the sweetest. or else...
kiddo with her security blankie.
closeup kiddo with her doing bad habit of thumb sucking. naughty naughty.
closeup kiddo with her sucking blankie. even worse. sigh.
***
Baby-proofing
Thumbelina. You
are only eighteen months,
Be careful as you fly about this house
pointing out items of bourgeois pink
my father hid for your amusement.
Even here,
sharp corners exist.
My parents have reached the limits
of their baby-proofing efforts;
Entire walls you cursed with your hieroglyphics,
the dining table we never ever used properly,
my room with all its sex cordoned off
by a big black door
that held my parents at bay for years.
Everything is in sponge.
Again, pink for your sake.
If they could,
they would carpet the world in felt,
hang baby photos over every ugly thing,
straighten every frown before it arches,
and baby-proof you permanently
in velveteen cushions.
***
watching be with me. si-peh silent movie man. never had to literally read a movie so much. eh.. am starting to understand why cyril has no patience for it. it is starting to wear on me and the time meter has only just passed 45 min!
ok, it's 55 mins now and it has officially worn me out.
and i rented it. for 5 buckuroos, some more. plus that weird look the video rental uncle gave me when i went to the counter. why? cannot ah? sengkang kampungnites also can watch atas movie what.
:( swell.
ok, it's not a bad movie, i understand what it's getting at. but does he have to really really drive home the point? then try to confirm whether point received or not? I mean does he really think singaporeans are that dense that to state any point, you have to shout it into their ears and put "awas" lights around it? ... eh... on second thought, yeah, he might not be that far off...
but even he must admit focusing the major part of movie on the blind aunt is kind of overtly self-absorbed.
still brownie points for beautifully capturing how son of weird uncle communciates with her. major cool with the hands thing, then to contrast it with shots of weird uncle chopping/stirring food.
and for cute shots of samantha tan... :) btw, kissing scene, very tame.
oh,
somewhere in the midst of watching/reading this movie, i keep thinking the perfect complement/after-mint to this movie is... "sesame street: big bird in china"!
but for politically correct purpose, i cannot say why. sigh.
my recommendation? - it'll have to be big bird in china. ultra retro. i have the vcr somewhere...
_____
listeningto: the silent movie that is "be with me"
Reading: samantha tan.... :) damnn, she's cute.
__
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