totus.complete

completed it. am laying this to rest for a while.

Tomorrow morning

would be something else. Waking
into my own at nine,
the clocks would have had
their mechancial hearts stopped
and for unexplainable reasons, my mobile
would refuse to sound, receive
or even call. The pitiful bleep of its sms alert
would be muted and
murdered just before the words get filled in.
My inbox would be empty,
with deletions on every front.
There will be talk of this silence.
She will not be writing me of her happiness;
how much bluer Brisbane skies get,
and that her money is running out;
could I please be a dear
and send more?
There’ll be no bills to pay,
no one to settle.
The announcement of a governmental break looms.
Tomorrow morning I would wake
to a Sunday, comtemplating church,
the 11 o'clock mass, celibacy,
the 19 year old I cannot bring myself to forget,
my neglected laptop, along with the work
that matches it,
the task of cataloging lies,
alphabetically.
Then, somewhere between the dream
of not doing anything
and the local reality of that,
yes, somewhere between there,
today quietly begins.

quadrivium.crossroad.

crossroad.

i've only done what i do ever.

meaning i was almost always an av guy. as in audio-visual. not adult video. (which, naturally, is preferrable...) maybe it's doing this for five straight years, which has me finding that the job is losing its lustre. or maybe because i've always preferred changing when things got too predictable. only this time it would be rather difficult to leave this job. too much at stake.

about a year and a half ago, i gave myself and the company three years. three years to make it, or i shall break it. a year later, plus/minus a few months or weeks, i find myself asking one important question:

what should be the basis of my judgement?

i didnt set it then, but since the deadline is a year and half to come, i doubt it would do much harm if i set it now. shall i count it by a) financial terms, b) company public/project profile, c) a gut feel or d) what others say?

choice is only a process of elimination, in the end, we choose the choice that we least resist.

Gut feel
my gut though sizable, is sadly not a radar for the success of anything, except probably my eating patterns. so that’s out.

Rumours
since the company’s inception, we've kept a pretty low profile, and stayed away from many of the networking sessions with the others in the local av market. we seldom appear at launchs unless if it directly involves us and certain elect principals. i like talking about what i do. but i dont like how people twist and re-translate what we do or even what we are.

no respect. tsk tsk.

lately, we seem to be widely discussed by the rumour mills, our projects, what we do, what people think we do, so if i gauge “making it” by this standard, then i would have succeeded, to some certain extent. but its too empty, talk is cheap, i prefer the money.

for a while there, i thought my gauge should be the financial strength of the co. at that point of time. yes, our profile, client list, projects completed, etc, is a good measure, but ultimately, they contribute towards the clinching of more projects, of which the primary basis is simple; making money, so by that analysis, financial strength should be paramount.

i wasnt entirely correct.

our financial position right now, while far from the comfort levels that i want us to have, can be described as stable. so i am nearing the financial strength i am aiming for. but i know now that it is not my comparison for “making it”. its too statistical, and even if we do make bundles, would i not still be bored with the job? i would, money has never been a major motivator for me, it was always the fun of the thing, or the challenge, mainly the fun of doing something that attracts me.

therefore, i think my gauge should be this: happiness. when i am happy with what i am doing and believe that it has meaning and purpose.

by far i think that this is the most difficult thing to do, is to create something that you yourself believe has meaning and purpose. what i mean by purpose doesnt have to be the high noble world-saving type, it just has to mean something and not be banal. i can’t define that something right now, but when i do, i think i would have made it.

i just hope that i get it before my 3 years comes up.

****

listeningto: you’re beautiful – james blunt. (first current mainstream song that i’ve liked since damien rice)

tryingtoread: unselected poems – philip levine

best line i heard today: "dance is a poem, and every movement is a word." – mata hari (omg, goosebumps all round)

mos.rule.

the rule.

her singular rule for me is no contact. nada whatsoever. no sms, no calls, no emails, no accidental meetings, nothing. its a no win situation. even if i keep to the pact it would only be because i am consiously thinking about it. then i thought i saw her that day just before my meeting at singapore land tower.

i ducked.

it wasn't her. but all the same everything floods back. it took a while before i recovered, reeling at the entrance of the overtly hygenically stale SL. tower. i swallowed, swallowing always helps, and then went up to see william.

fast game, yada yada yada yada. quote this do that. fine fine.

i kept thinking about her the whole day. not that it wasn't a norm, but it was definitely more than usual. i am surprised at myself, by all my past statistics, i should have been over this by now, met someone new, and probably, ended that one by now. again. there has to be a reason/s behind these nagging feelings for her.

which is it?

her personality - silently headstrong. she looks and talks so demurely that one forgets that once B makes up her mind, it's a shit jog to hell to make her change it. have always been attracted to the headstrong-too-independent-for-their-own-good type. i.e. princess and joys.

her looks - ordinary at best, of course, she does have her wow days, but even without those, she's an angel to me. esp when she looks at you with that half smile, the shy head down with the soft giggle.

the way she speaks - soft. that giggle. the way she insists.

the exception - every once in a while, i fall for someone and keep falling for that someone regardless. so far the count is 3. including B.

the verdict? all this thinking only got me realising one thing;

i miss her.

****

listeningto: river - joni mitchell (hear the jingle bell tune made hip)

tryingtoread: justine - lawrence durrell (am a sucker for flowery descriptives.)

best line i heard today: " lets sit these kids in a r-rated movie " - homer simpson

iterum.seconds.

dinner at aggie's

the dinner went well. must say dom did a good jamie oliver, loved the mint sugar and ice cream thing. i always liked her place, despite it being an upstairs/downstairs kind of place. d brought the wife-to-be equipped with the bling-bling snug on her engagement finger. (or was it the wedding finger? can never differentiate this)

i think engaged people have this smug glow all over them.

and then the parade. i think it's funny how we could tell exactly what the next program was. ie. song/vip comes/song/bigger vip come or how there's always one guy in the freefall team that has to come down with the flag. even the presenters sounded like they were reading off last year's script.

little differences and highlights though:
1. the little kites that the cams got to do the zoom-in to catch, wats the point?
2. they bloody blew the budget on the fireworks.
3. the headmics seem to be faulty, they had to use the handheld to coordinate the wave. and i could barely hear the taufik fellow. or maybe thats just his talent.
4. rui en looked damn yummy.
5. the 2 little horns on the head of the minister guy due to the cam angle was hilarious.

halfway though everything, i found myself wondering how "that one" was doing. not in a gut-in-a-tight-knot kind of way but more of a musing kind of feeling since i couldnt decide what i felt just yet, (besides, i think any kind of decision made on my part would just murder the fun of the chase)

so i messaged her.

a mini greeting, sort of a "hi how u doing?" without the joey accent and the arching eybrow, so it doesn't come across as being sleazy. she replied, fast for what she wrote, a list of what she did that day in bullet form. excellent. so i made a joke, got a question in about something innocent, fired it back at her, then waited.

nothing.

i can't figure her. still/yet. hmmm. intriguing.


oh well.

i have been working on this for the longest time.

*****

Tomorrow morning

would be something else.
I would wake into my own at nine,
because the clocks would have failed,
and for unexplained reasons, my moblie
would refuse to sound, receive
or call.
The inbox would be empty. On every front.
There will be talk of this silence.
She will not be writing me of her happiness
how much infinitely bluer Brisbourne skies can be,
and that her money is running out
could I please be a dear
and send her more?
There’ll be no bills to collect.
A governmental break.
Tomorrow morning I would wake to a Sunday,
comtemplate church,
the 11 O'clock mass, celibacy
you,
the mobile, along with the work
that matches it,
how my mother moans me not giving
her enough money
how i don't know how to begin a sentence
with my father
and then today begins.

*****

somehow, my closure doesn't seem right.


listeningto: i will be released - the band and bunch of other rockheads
comprehension: easy rock ballad, and bob dylan sounds comprehensible, wow.

tryingtoread: daggerspell - katharine kerr
probability of completion: done before. just an easy book to sleep with

best line i read today: "The daylight oil, the heavier grade of Reason," - les murray, the dialectic of dreams

orsus.start.

start. on the birthday of my country. but you can't really tell whilst indoors. the tv is on, and there's a matador doing his thing on the telly, interestingly i am playing candela by the buena vista social club on my mac. i remembered reading on the papers that ibrahim ferrer is dead.

still red here, red there. how festive.

i think i am overtly bored, or this inability to complete my submissions has finally gotten to me. Or as according to cy, my unconcious delight in seeing my own writings published has finally overcome my own belief that publishing is a vanity. maybe because i don't have to work today and the inactivity is actually silent murder. whatever the reason, i hope this is fun.

have been toying with the idea of starting a blog for some time now. even d was thinking of doing one, but i think he's got more things to worry about rather than blogging, ie. impending wedding. shall tell him about my blogging virginity break tonite at aggie's place.

i am to bring 2 tubs of plain vanilla ice cream as instructed by dom so he could play jamie oliver. i think my friends are watching too much telly.


listeningto: veinte anos by buena vista social club
comprehension: me no speaka spanish

tryingtoread: prospero's cell - lawrence durrell
probability of completion: too low

best line i thought of today: "We shall speak of nothing else."