film synopsis in fogginess.

woke early so i thought i get as confessional as i ever would be. i dun know why. dun ask, just humour me. this is about the later part of sunday. this isnt a poem, i just wanted the hazy feel. and b, if you ever read this. yes, u pretty much f-ed me up.

***

i watched it. that one show i should caught with you.
the last time i was here, your sister sat beside me in lieu
much later i learnt on that day, i was her inferior substitute
for the man she slipped her wedding ring off for.

both of you should see this. bring your mother.

we brought gaston in the same way i would have smuggled you through.
in loud nonchalance, hopeful
that the ticket man would not notice the quicken pace.
i followed it unconciously with that mischievous side grin
i always flashed when i won something.
the one you used your fingers to measure.
you have it too, but you accessorise better because of those eyes.

inside the black security-blankets everyone.
whilst silencing my phone, i wanted to text you:
“come back.”
this time i managed the entire line before deletion.
the coming attractions rolled.
i remembered you always had a comment for each,
which you wanted, (insisted) to see, with or without me.

cyril said that the leads mirrored sheo and him.
but at least they owned the happy ending.
who would feel for the poor man who had to watch
the woman he waited fifteen years for,
run from their wedding?

from a hazy scene, and some forgotten clever lines
between the mother and the daughter,
i finally realised what you meant
by missing and hating someone at the same time.
but to apply it so generously on me?
somewhere in that movie, i laughed in irony
and wanted you to see
8 years between us is nothing.

the show ends, it is good, and i have wasted it on you.
despite my best efforts, you stayed on. holding every available space
in my mind with your non-attendance.
in the car park, i remembered being grateful
for richard not bringing his cashcard because it meant that i could smoke.
lighting that cigarette, i remembered who i dropped it for
and why i am relighting it again.

home took a long time to arrive into view.
i go to sleep counting instances of you.
that next morning, the blunt knife my mother asked me to throw
nearly turned on me.

***
after that everything got clear again. haha. i realised i take a long time to heal from anything or anyone. despite everything.



___