a little something i wrote on the first real day of the year. (i.e. the day you go back to work)
***
The New Year
It is that close to seven.
My clocks are arranged to mark the occasion,
one after another.
An unimportant hour
on the first day of the new year.
Somewhere outside, you could hear a woman
shouting, and imagine the tears
leaking from her corners.
Some guy’s hateful reply.
Then the thick thud
of something heavy.
Nothing from the children, mesmerised by the television.
Advertisments.
The eldest daughter hopes
that before the night is over,
someone nice would have kissed her.
Today I am suddenly clairvoyant,
and I know that somewhere in that house,
the Christmas tree has not been taken down.
It is as what Carver said:
“Any minute now, something will happen.”
Except here, you actually wish it would.
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3 comments:
Quick thoughts:
1. 2nd stanza is curiously reminiscent of the first stanza of this.
2. "Advertisments" misspelled.
3. Don't need the "Today". Can jump straight to "Suddenly I am clairvoyant".
4. No immediate impression from first stanza whether this is a night scene or morning scene. That is, 7 am or 7 pm. This could be your intention - "unimportant hour" - but I'm not sure if it does anything for the poem.
5. The "eldest" in "eldest daughtest" does nothing for the poem because you haven't fleshed out anything about her relationship to the other children, or anything about the other children. So "eldest" just becomes a distraction. Might as well just say "One daugher hopes that ...".
6. Last three lines could be trimmed:
As Carver said:
“Any minute now, something will happen.”
Except that you actually wish it would.
In that Carver poem (about his brother and himself?), there isn't any indication that Carver was wishing it wouldn't. Making your "except" in your own poem sound a bit off ...
7. Line breaks in the first and second stanza feel wrong, somehow. Should be shorter.
8. Don't need the "new" in "new year" in first stanza, because your title already has that. "Unimportant" doesn't work. Feels like you need to apply the "show, don't tell" principle here.
9. "Some guy's" feels wrong. It has a casualness that the rest of the poem doesn't. A misfit here. Maybe "a man's".
10. "Arrangement of clocks" in the first stanza - was expecting it to build into something later in the poem, but it didn't.
11. Overall, I found it quite hard to get any picture out of this poem. Too many ambiguities (I know some are intended, I suspect the others are not). 7 am / 7 pm? Shouting --> anger, not tears?. Thick thud --> A physical fight, or just something dropping by accident? If the former, how come the children just ignore? Children ---> No clear picture either. Initially, I pictured small little children. Later, when Daughter thinks about being kissed by someone nice, I picture an older person (maybe a female teenager? Or a young woman?) being the "child"?
Just my 2 cents ...
Think you're trying to mine for the inner tension in an apparently insignificant moment. But not sure if the poem succeeds in this.
helo gilbert!
thanks, way way more than 2 cents worth.
1. no lah, haha. this is actually an ongoing theme in a couple of my drafts and me having some fun with carver poems, 2 are referenced here. plus there's this bitch that screams every night somewhere in the opposite block...
2. haha. *blush* like i told some blogger girl, misspelling is an endearing trait of mine, and since i have very little endearing traits...
3. nah, dun want. too abrupt.
4. night. thought about it. will think again.
5. see later for why i put eldest.
6. cannot trim "here" it is the whole point of it. this poem isnt about the carver poem per se, it's an opposite thing. :)
7. thats what i mean. carver doesnt. i want to force it, here. as in singapore. as in, in the HDB setup.
8. true. but unimportant is used as underline-er. u're prob. right about the new year thing. ah, the title is an afterthought thing. will play with that later.
9.ok, will think about it.
10.thats a red herring, for referencing the 2nd carver poem. i am anal about this kind of thing. :)
11.haha. no no, i am keeping mum about the ambiguities. but the eldest daughter has a reason for it.
yes u are right about the insignificant moment thing. will fiddle with it. it's a straight to keyboard thing, so pretty fuzzy. but oddly i like how it sounds read out. (i will never read it, so got a long suffering none poetic friend to read for my vanity.)
hee. thanks.
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