quadrivium.crossroad.

crossroad.

i've only done what i do ever.

meaning i was almost always an av guy. as in audio-visual. not adult video. (which, naturally, is preferrable...) maybe it's doing this for five straight years, which has me finding that the job is losing its lustre. or maybe because i've always preferred changing when things got too predictable. only this time it would be rather difficult to leave this job. too much at stake.

about a year and a half ago, i gave myself and the company three years. three years to make it, or i shall break it. a year later, plus/minus a few months or weeks, i find myself asking one important question:

what should be the basis of my judgement?

i didnt set it then, but since the deadline is a year and half to come, i doubt it would do much harm if i set it now. shall i count it by a) financial terms, b) company public/project profile, c) a gut feel or d) what others say?

choice is only a process of elimination, in the end, we choose the choice that we least resist.

Gut feel
my gut though sizable, is sadly not a radar for the success of anything, except probably my eating patterns. so that’s out.

Rumours
since the company’s inception, we've kept a pretty low profile, and stayed away from many of the networking sessions with the others in the local av market. we seldom appear at launchs unless if it directly involves us and certain elect principals. i like talking about what i do. but i dont like how people twist and re-translate what we do or even what we are.

no respect. tsk tsk.

lately, we seem to be widely discussed by the rumour mills, our projects, what we do, what people think we do, so if i gauge “making it” by this standard, then i would have succeeded, to some certain extent. but its too empty, talk is cheap, i prefer the money.

for a while there, i thought my gauge should be the financial strength of the co. at that point of time. yes, our profile, client list, projects completed, etc, is a good measure, but ultimately, they contribute towards the clinching of more projects, of which the primary basis is simple; making money, so by that analysis, financial strength should be paramount.

i wasnt entirely correct.

our financial position right now, while far from the comfort levels that i want us to have, can be described as stable. so i am nearing the financial strength i am aiming for. but i know now that it is not my comparison for “making it”. its too statistical, and even if we do make bundles, would i not still be bored with the job? i would, money has never been a major motivator for me, it was always the fun of the thing, or the challenge, mainly the fun of doing something that attracts me.

therefore, i think my gauge should be this: happiness. when i am happy with what i am doing and believe that it has meaning and purpose.

by far i think that this is the most difficult thing to do, is to create something that you yourself believe has meaning and purpose. what i mean by purpose doesnt have to be the high noble world-saving type, it just has to mean something and not be banal. i can’t define that something right now, but when i do, i think i would have made it.

i just hope that i get it before my 3 years comes up.

****

listeningto: you’re beautiful – james blunt. (first current mainstream song that i’ve liked since damien rice)

tryingtoread: unselected poems – philip levine

best line i heard today: "dance is a poem, and every movement is a word." – mata hari (omg, goosebumps all round)